1984

I’ve been thinking a lot about discipline lately. How I go about it. What are the most effective means. Whether I’m being to strict or too light-handed. Last week, my daughter spent the day with my mom. Since my daughter entered daycare, she’s spent two days a week with my mother to help us manage costs, and most days she and my mother get along well. In fact, my daughter rarely seems to pose a problem for my mom, but last week, when I went to pick up my daughter, my mom was out of sorts. “All morning I was trying to get her to go for a walk with the dog,” my mom told me, “and she kept saying no. Then when I let the dog out back, she threw a fit and said she wanted to walk the dog. She must have cried for an hour. Then I thought all the crying would wear her out, but she didn’t take a nap.” Now my mom tried to comfort my daughter. I take a bit of a different tack with fits. I usually make her sit on the stairs or send her to her room until she’s ready to come back down. I’m not sure which is the preferred method, but I have a low tolerance for acting out, and when my mom told me about this fit, I spoke to my daughter. “You’re going straight to bed after dinner. I’ll give you a bath and brush your teeth, but you’re getting no stories.” This, of course, meant she’d be in bed an hour early, which meant that she’d just lay there talking to herself.

When we got home, I reduced the sentence. “You don’t have to go right to sleep. You can sit in bed and look at your books for a half-hour, then it’s lights out,” but even then it didn’t seem to faze her that she was being punished. “This is what drives me crazy,” my wife said. “It’s like it doesn’t even register that she’s in trouble.” And I get it. We’ve tried to take away toys and stuffed animals. We do the whole time-out thing, but my daughter chugs on, oblivious to the fact we’re displeased. Now of course, in this instance, the instance of throwing a fit, I didn’t necessarily want to be severe. She’s a kid, kids throw tantrums. She didn’t lash out or hit or bite anyone. It’s just that I need her to behave for my mom. My mom is doing us a big favor in taking her, and I need to know that my daughter is going to act in a way that doesn’t cause excess strain for her.

Naturally, my mom loves her granddaughter, but it’s tough watching a kid all day, especially one like my daughter. She lives in her own little world. She’s adept at filtering out information she doesn’t want to acknowledge and hearing only what she wants to hear. She’s willful and I love that’s she’s willful. There have been times when I’ve raised my voice to her, and she’s responded by sticking up for herself and saying, “Daddy, don’t yell at me.” And I’m impressed by this. In a few instances it’s happened and I’ve responded by calming down, apologizing for yelling and saying to her, if you’d like me to not raise my voice, you need to do what I say the first time I ask. Because that’s the biggest thing. I’m not trying to be a tyrant and control everything she does. Usually when I ask her to do something, it’s me asking her to stop doing something. “Careful on the stairs, you’re gonna fall.” “Please let your brother’s arm go, it doesn’t bend that way.” Then again, sometimes she just gets loud and energetic and I need her to tone it down.

In any case, I keep thinking as I choose the means of discipline: how can I make her behave but not break her of her spirit? I like the idea of my child being able to question authority, having a mind of her own. It appears she already has these qualities, and I hope they stay with her. It’s just that at her stage in life, most of the authorities are trying to keep her safe and teach her the basic skills she’ll need to navigate the world. There are times when I use my stern voice with her when she starts to misbehave, and she’ll turn right away and say, “Sorry, daddy.” And I hate this. While I wanted her to stop the behavior, this apology is too acquiescent, and I get this cold stab of nausea in my gut. “Don’t be so quick to roll over,” I think. Perhaps I’m thinking about this way too early. She’s got a lot of developing to do, and I’m certain she’ll rebel even more as teen and come back to me later on.

What I’d like most is to establish trust between us, to let her know that I’m not trying to stop her from experiencing the world but working in my capacity to keep her safe. I want her to be able to stand outside the mass and look in and see when they’re acting foolishly and walk away. But I guess that’s more in the future. I wasn’t a rebellious kid myself, but I was strong enough to stand outside the pack, to not just go along with a thing because others were doing it. Right now all  I need her to do is stop spitting at people when I tell her to stop. Given her personality, I’m not sure breaking her spirit is going to be a problem. I should probably worry more about what will happen when she realizes just how powerless I really am.